


The Roast of Skywalker

by Riels_shorts



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:16:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21983491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riels_shorts/pseuds/Riels_shorts
Summary: TROS but it's crack and i tried to make it as bad as possible.Ben Solo dies five times, he keeps getting resurrected until Rey gets distracted, Finn wont stop running into scenes yelling, "Rey," and twelve out of thirteen chapters are just Poe talking to Threepio. Okay that last one's not true but I definitely considered it.This was not beta'd.I'm certain that fact will become alarmingly obvious quickly.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 19
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

PROLOGUE

Two cultists sat companionably under the shade of a great kasi tree in the fading sunlight after a long hard day on Mustafar. The shorter of the two, a middle-aged and leathery-skinned man with a goatee and a missing eye, leaned back against the tree, swatting some lingering tendrils of smoke. With a sigh he raised his caf mug to his fellow. 

"Here's to a restful evening, Larri." 

"We've earned it, Steev," replied his friend. Larri was taller, liked the color black, was disappointed in his receding hairline, and had three moles on his right cheek. Both wore leather from head to foot, with helmets to obscure their faces, so you'd never know these things about them if you hadn't been with them for years.

"D'you suppose Kril will let us move up to acolyte this month? I'm so over shoveling lava every day."

Steev considered this, scrunching his mouth. "I heard rumors... Jyef told me he was moving up the ceremony to this week and picking the darkest apprentices tomorrow."

"My favorite color is black."

"Yeah, I know, Larri."

"We've got seniority."

"Yeah we do." He paused, stretching. "Twenty-nine years, Steev."

"To think. It could all be changing tomorrow."

His friend grunted, raising his mug in salute. "To the future."

"To the future, long may we serve the legacy of the Sith."

Around them, the restful sounds of day's end filtered through the forest: the breeze brushing against the trees, the murmur of lava, gravelly, hissing at its banks; deeper in the fortress someone was screaming, and then there was the ever-present dull thunder of fires casting their sparks to the sky in a chorus.

It was a good day.

It was good, that is, until a sound pierced the tranquility, raptor-like, distant at first, like a finger wiggling at a hole in a shirt until the hole has worsened to the point of no repair, and then you realize the only way to save the shirt is to just--tear it in half, and--oh no, that's no good; Larri looked at Steev and remarked, "Bugger."


	2. Chapter 2

It was the best of times.

It was the worst of times.

For Kylo Ren, it was more importantly cultist-slaying times. 

"Hail, Dark Lord! Supreme Leader! What brings you to our warm friendly planet?" Chief Acolyte Kril bowed elaborately to Kylo's imposing form as the Supreme Leader descended his shuttle.

"I seek a holocron."

"Come again? You want a what?"

"Holocron."

"What's a holocron?"

"Don't play coy with me, Senior Accolade Krel. I know you have it. Now you will give it to me."

Bristling, Chief Acolyte Kril shook his head. "No. We have many treasures and artifacts, but we do not have a holocron."

"Lies."

"No, I'm quite--"

Kylo reached out into Kril's mind, effortlessly plucking the mental image and its location. "I see it. It's literally right there."

"Ohhhhhh," said Kril, drawing out the syllable about two seconds too long. "You mean a wayfinder? Well yeah, we got a few of those."

"No, a holocron."

"It's called a _wayfinder_."

"I dont care. Bring it to me."

Kril side-eyed him. "What are you gonna do with it? The wayfinder?"

"None of your concern."

"Well. You're not _technically_ a Sith, so I don't _technically_ answer to you. Now if you were your grandpa, then we'd be talking."

Kylo inhaled sharply through his nose. "Fine. I've decided to take up juggling. I want to juggle holocrons, put on a traveling show. You know how it is in the galaxy these days as a supreme leader."

Kril looked Kylo over as if to express the family dissimilarity was starkly odious.

Kylo gritted his teeth.

"_Fine_. I want to find Palpatine. And when I do, I intend to"--he caught the glint in Kril's eye--"uhhhhh, to talk to him respectfully. With respect. And definitely not make any attempts on his life."

The senior acolyte digested this, spitting out some goo that had been residing in his cheek since the start of the conversation. Behind him, cultists shuffled nervously. 

"I see. Uh yeah." He squinted, drew his dagger, began cleaning his one and only real tooth with it. "So, no can do."

"Excuse me?"

"Can't trust you. Not a Sith."

"The Sith were notorious for--!"

"No; nope, not trustworthy if not a Sith. Go back to your First Order and order someone else around first. We can, uh"--he cast about--"send someone to go and talk to Palpatine, leave a message. That work? What do you want the note to say--Clarice? Come over here and jot this down, will you be a dear?"

Kylo groaned at the sky, tipping his head back, then gripped his saber and sliced Kril in half.

Or he tried to. The Chief Acolyte was armored with something that turned Kylo's blade. 

"Hey! Nerfwit, uncool!" shouted Kril, dusting himself off, lunging with his dagger. "Eat sand! Apprentices! Attack him! End his dishonorable disgrace to his lineage!"

Kril felt very proud of himself for the presence of mind to deliver this little speech, briefly, before his head came off.

\-------------

Some time and many corpses later, Kylo began to tire. He took to his task with the single-minded drive of man who imagined a deeply personal insult from every masked cultist who launched themselves at him. "His face is weird," he envisioned one saying. "Females only like him because girls are dumb," intoned another. "Put a mask back on," a third said. Kylo thought this was in fact a decent idea, and nodded as he skewered the man. As the bodies piled and cultists vaulted screaming into the upper branches of trees, sometimes three at a time, Kylo paused to take a breath. At last, the final adversary fell and he surveyed the carnage in a ring around him with some stoic and manly detachment. Beyond the silence, the only sounds were his labored, deep breathing and the swoosh of his cape as he dramatically tossed it over a shoulder.

He bent down to pick up the wayfinder. It was in Kril's pocket the whole time.

He strode off with purpose toward his ship. Behind him, something inexplicably exploded in a great plume of fire but he was a badass so he didn't turn around to look.

\------

Nearby, Larri rolled over to poke a groaning Steev from behind a lightly smoking bush. 

"Well, that didnt go as expected."

"No, Larri, it did not."

A grin split Steev's gnarled face. "Congratulations on your promotion though, Chief Acolyte Larri."

"And you, Senior Acolyte Steev, eh!" He punched his companion's shoulder. Then, exhausted, both cultists flopped back onto the ground, hacking coughs, content with life.


	3. Chapter 3

EXEGOL, World Between Worlds 

A solitary ship darted through the red mists like a glinting black minnow, graceful in the spikey inferno-like passage as if returning to its own home in a watery depth among the reeds. It was a home to Kylo, of sorts; sitting in a pilot seat always felt like a piece of him safely clicked into place, a secret in the turmoil; similarly, this pit of darkness mirrored the hell he lived in his mind the rest of the time. 

He exited the craft in a plume of steam, as was fitting, and vigorously approached the monolith suspended by forces unknown. He descended with a practiced ease on a slab that materialized as though he had come this way a hundred times and by now was bored and searching for a Starbucks.

Sadly, this location offered no such luxuries as caf, to his quiet inward disappointment, but it did have lightning shows, art displays, and some curious artisanal pickled goods to catch the traveler's wandering eye. Nearby, Kylo thought he caught a glimpse of a postcard rack hung with "Visit Lovely Exegol" and crossed saber keychains, but his attention was diverted by a deep rumbling chuckle from beyond the shadows. 

Kylo whirled, saber defensively poised before him.

"Ahhh, my boy. The last Skywalker, come to see me at last."

Kylo glared at him. 

"You _ are _ a Skywalker, aren't you? You're a bit tall."

Kylo straightened.

The figure, cowled and robed in black, pointed a bony finger at him. "Ah, no, I see it now. You have the hair. No one has hair like that but the Skywalkers. Well. Till your granddad burnt all his off, heh heh."

"What do you want? Why did you send the transmission?"

"Why did I call you here, my boy? Oh yes, we're getting to that. But first, did you notice my vats of Snoke? I made them arrange it so you'd see them first."

"Dont call me your boy. And yes."

"I was really proud of that effect."

"It was horrifying. I dont know what to say."

"Wasnt it!?" Palpatine clapped his hands gleefully. "It was the best! I got these guys to show me how to brew them up, some planet where they were mining for unobtanium and boop, just plug myself right in. Fascinating science, really. And what's more, I've been every voice inside your head. You remember that song, the Wookie one about life day where the lady wookie takes off her--"

"I could not get that song out of my head for _ months! _"

"That was me!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

Kylo took a step backward, shaken by this development. 

"And… _ Kick Me Baby One More Time _was--"

"Me. Yes." The Emperor grinned with sharp, misshapen teeth. "And I told you your parents thought you were a monster, long ago, and that your father didn't love you enough to stay, your uncle wanted you dead, and you were completely alone, and all those good things. Now, with that in mind, I would like to show you something that will truly make you trust me. Look at all those ships!" 

With that he waved his arm with a flourish as thousands of destroyers with disturbingly phallic cannons appeared out of the mists. One of the closer ones tooted an airhorn and a troop dressed as sailors climbed out an airlock and started dancing on the deck to a hip-hop song by the Electric Cloud Boyz.

_ Whoa, _ thought Kylo. _ I wonder if I could get the First Order to do that. _ After a pause he thought, _ Also, I wonder how someone could gather the resources to build this and find all the people to man them, all while I could feel nothing in the force and we noticed no depletion of resources. _

"Pickles!" cackled Palpatine, reading his mind. "Booming business in the Unknown Regions. Making pickles, selling pickles, cloning pickles for the ships. All the armada is manned by animate pickles. "

"Oh," breathed Kylo.

"I could teach you," hedged Palpatine.

At Kylo's hesitation, he waved his hand. "Never mind. All this power will be yours, if you just agree to one thing. Kill me."

"Kill you?"

"Yes. Kill me."

"Okay."

"Wait--" he shuffled some papers in his fingers. "No. Kill--" he squinted--"no, kill a girl." 

Kylo lowered his saber disappointedly.

"Are you sure? Because it seems it could be a real time saver for me if I just killed you and took over."

"Nope, no, it says kill a girl here. So, go do that."

"What girl?"

"Let's see… show off the vats, unveil the fleet, tell him to kill--oh, it's my granddaughter, Rey. Go be a dear and kill her, will you?"

"Your what?"

"Eh?"

"You said she was your--"

"I had a son, he had a daughter, these things _ happen, _Kylo, it's a natural part of life. When two people despise the universe very much together--"

"No, _ no, I do not need the Talk _ from you, I want to know how I didn't know you were related and why you need her dead. I told her she came from nothing."

"Well, I am just a little old me, that's practically the same as a nothing."

Kylo massaged his temples.

"Okay. Fine. Fine. Why do you want her dead?"

"Oh. I--" The ancient cowled Sith looked down, fumbling with the paper. "It--I--uh. Well, that's odd, it doesn't--huh. I have precisely no idea. But it says to do that, so go do it. Then i give you the fleet. Deal?"

The Supreme Leader scrubbed a hand down his face. "Yeah. Sure. Sure, deal."

"Excellent! Now off you go, ta-ta. She's off training with your mom. Good boy."

From a distance, the sailor-troopers lifted signs in a cheerleader pyramid that read "DARK SIDE".

Kylo boarded the elevator-slab.

"Wait, hey--did you want a keychain?" Palpatine called after Kylo's retreating form. 


	4. Chapter 4

The hyperdrive engaged for the fourth jump in twice as many seconds. The pilot, brave and bold, sleekly shaggy of coiffure and rustic of infinity scarf, dodged blaster cannon fire from the tie fighters hotly pursuing them through the star tunnels. Blue space turned to streaks of white, to black, then to shocks and flashes of red, back to blue swirls, to white. 

Finn clutched his stomach, concentrating the entirety of his will on the effort to contain both his lunch and his regret for choosing the extra saucy Patooian crab slab  _ with the leafy slaw _ and the greasy bantha cheese,  _ Maker why,  _ at the cantine. 

_ Use the Force _ , echoed a disembodied voice. Finn glanced up, startled.

"Poe--hey Poe, did you hear that?" Finn called out.

"Wooooooooo!" hollered Poe, dodging a deadly red bolt as one pursuer exploded on impact with a space rock.

Finn called again, "Hey! Did you, uh, hear that voice just now?" Again receiving no reply, he looked behind him. Nothing. He tapped his ears. Two more ties screamed past, calling his attention back. His gaze darted nervously around the deck.

_ Use the Force? _ he wondered.

He closed his eyes. He imagined himself reaching out. He felt the life and death and the balance between all living things and suddenly understood what the Force was. A voice spoke now, quietly, as bolts shrieked past and explosions rattled the viewport:  _ The Force will serve you. With it you can control people and lift rocks.  _

_ " _ I saw Rey lift rocks once!" he murmured to himself.

_ Yes. These are your first stepsssssssss. _

Finn knew then that he was always meant to be a jedi. 

"Hey, Poe! I'm a Force user!"

Poe made a little noise from the cockpit that sounded like  _ pew pew pew  _ but Finn couldn't be sure. 

Looking back at his array of controls, he closed his eyes. Steadily, he calmed his roiling stomach using his new powers. When he felt better, he decided he had the presence of mind to ask the question dancing on the tip of his mind: "Poe! How are these ties tracking us without their main ship? For that matter, ties don't have hyperdrives. How are they doing any of this?"

A tie darted forward as Poe executed an inelegant maneuver that neatly totalled the last ship pursuing them. 

"YEEEEEEEE--"

"Poe, I think--"

"--HAAAAAAAWWWWWW!" exclaimed Poe, and he threw his cowboy hat up into the air.

(It hit the ceiling ten inches above him with an anticlimactic thud.)

"Let's get this intelligence to the General now," continued the pilot. "It's sure helpful that they can't track us anymore, however they were doing it, otherwise we would be leading the First Order right to our base!" Poe announced c heerfully and he punched the controls with sexy enthusiasm. 

Finn drew in a gay breath.

But it was brief. Then he decided that he wasn't that way because he had the Force.

\------

Meanwhile

\------

"Master Leia, I tried what you suggested with the saber but it was chafing, like really rubbing my skin still so I was thinking that maybe if it were smoother, it could be better."

Rey handed over the saber.

"We have everything we need."

"We do? Like, have we got a grinder, or a polisher somewhere I could use? That'd be great!"

"Everything we need," said Leia, returning the saber.

Rey smiled sweetly at her, dimpling her cheeks. 

"Okay. Well, I'll go work on that grinding later, but for now I'm gonna go try and earn the right to use it, since I'm a lowly person with little to recommend me and this saber has such big shoes to fill. I mean. Not that lightsabers wear shoes. Obviously. I just mean like, the ghost of your brother had big--has big--actually does he even still wear shoes? Because I heard that you leave behind your clothes when you, you know,  _ shove off  _ and that would mean you go around completely--"

Leia smiled beatifically at her.

"--right, I'll--uh. I'll, you know the training course that we set up, I think I'll just pop off and have a go at it. Does it still have the ropes and the training droid?"

"We have everything we need."

"Great! Okay, well, I'll go do that now. "

Leia smiled beatifically at her some more.

Rey scampered off. BB8, ever her faithful sidekick and loyal companion until the end, rolled after her. 


	5. Chapter 5

"Wheeeeeee," smiled the Jedi, tossing her hoodie off her triple buns as she executed an 18-foot jump from one tree branch to another.

"Careful!" called her personal stylist from below in the camp. "I spent 45 minutes doing your hair this morning and all this levitating and hopping around is going to ruin it!"

"What? Oh, ok, ok, I'll try to keep it together," replied Rey brightly before leaping in a graceful triple flip to the top of a tree and shaking out a sleeve full of twigs. 

"Breezy up here," commented Luke, ghosting beside her. He was wearing robes that wafted gently above his bare feet. 

"Master Skywalker! I-I wasn't expecting you."

"Oh, I turn up to check in on you every so often. It makes me feel, you know, paternal. I love dads, so I thought I'd try out how it feels myself. Done with uncle stuff. Always thought I'd make a great dad. Want to give somebody my name. By the way, did you know you’re a Palpatine?"

“What? I didn’t catch that.”

“Nothing, nevermind. I forgot I can’t tell you that yet. Jumped the gun.”

“Oh… uh. Okay.”

“So.”

“So.” She looked around, grasping for a topic. "I've, uhh, been using your saber.” _ (Oh no, that was the wrong topic.) _ “I’m sorry.”

"Oh, no! Don’t be ashamed to hold my saber, Rey,” said Luke, misinterpreting her embarrassment. “Just as long as you think of my nephew when you do."

Rey stumbled on the tiny willowy branch. "I do. I mean I will. I mean--yes, Master." 

She swallowed, willing the flush out of her face.

The ghost broke off a leaf idly and twirled it between his fingers. “How’s he doing these days?” 

“What?”

“My nephew.”

“Oh, Ben. No idea. I haven’t spoken to him for a year.”

“A year? That’s a long time. Considering you were practically throwing yourself at--”

“Haven’t _ you _ checked up on him?” Rey interrupted.

“Me?” Luke snorted. “Nah. Why would I?”

“I don’t know, I just thought… well, if you were going around following me it just seemed…”

“Seemed what?”

“Like, I mean, _ he’s _ your family, not me.”

“Sure, but your real family is the family you choose.”

“Uh.”

“Right, time to vamoose. See ya round, kid!”

Luke vanished, saluting her with two fingers to his temple and a click of his tongue_._

She paused, gathering her thoughts, as a light breeze stirred the tendrils of hair by her ears. She peeked from behind her fingers down to the forest floor. "Beebee," she called, "Want to go flying today?" 

"Boowheep, buwoddlewoddle, wheep," called the droid.

"Nonsense!”

“Bwawkaboowhooo.”

“It'll be fun! Come on, let's go, you round coward." 

"Beep! Squeeeee!" The droid squawked, alarmed. 

“No, that’s totally unfair. That only happened that one time.”

“Beep.”

“No way! Oh! I know what I should do! I’ll use you for target practice!”

“BEEP!”

\-----

Kylo Ren, anguished of soul, saturnine of aspect, lithe of build, and tortured of mien, stared at Darth Vader’s helmet. _ That’s a good helmet, _ thought Kylo. _ A quality helmet, right there. _

He observed it first from a frontal angle, then from the left side. _ That sure is, indeed, a helmet. _ Upon viewing the right side, he continued his scrutiny: _ It is a black helmet. _

\-----

The roar of the incoming Falcon knocked Rey off her perch some time later, sending her flailing down, dropping the floating droid with a solidly metallic thud in the wet earth. As Beebee rolled around to recover missing pieces of his chassis Rey flung out an arm and kicked a branch off, which knocked into a pole that fell over into a box of crates that sent a cart barreling into a tree that fell over and dented BB8. 

“Oopsie,” said Rey.

\------

The forest floor where the Resistance camp operated was scattered with leaves, tubing, wires, and miscellaneous crates among ramshackle wooden structures in the dappled sunlight. It made a picturesque landing spot for the heavily damaged Corellian freighter as it gasped out of the air with an earsplitting final clunk. Poe stumbled out, looking delightfully scuffed up and emanating the fumes of fresh adventure.

“Rey!” yelled Finn.

“Finn! Poe! You’re okay!”

“Yeah!”

“How did it go?”

“Really badly!”

“Darn!”

“IKR!” said Poe, saying the letters individually.

“Yolo,” added Finn.

“You wrecked up my ship…”

“IKR!” repeated Poe, apologetically.

“Y-yo-lo,” echoed Finn, glancing between the two of them uncertainly.

“You’re so difficult!” yelled Rey, exasperated, throwing up her hands.

“Where’s BB8?”

At that, Rey froze. “Oh! He’s fine!” She plastered on a plastic grin and started to ease her way toward an extraction point just as a stream of binary epithets burst through the bushes and rolled around Poe, wobbling on its axis.

“My droid! BB8! You dented him! What, Beebee? She did _ what? _She threw a log at your head?”

“What! I did not!”

“_ How _big? And dropped you in a great big hole?”

“I never!”

“2015 meters deep? Rey!”

“I--!”

“Rey,” called another voice. “We have everything.”

“What, Leia? You mean the spy’s intelligence is good?”

“Everything we need,” Leia confirmed.

“Droid abuser,” muttered Poe, flipping the last toggles on the control board with distinct aggression and stalking toward the clearing.

“Ship destroyer,” retorted Rey.

“Irresponsible dunghead,” shot Poe.

“Reckless birdbrain.”

“Dumb dumb.”

“Choobie head.” Rey stuck out her tongue. 

Poe stuck two fingers in his fist and wiggled them. Rey gasped in outrage.

“Reyyyyyy!” called Finn, waving her over.

\-----

“The spy says that we should go to Exegol and to do that we should follow something called a ‘MacGuffin’ that will lead us there,” reported the tired-out arrivals to the gathered resistance several minutes ater the ship completed its final power down cycle.

“A MacGuffin!” exlaimed Rey from the back of the crowd. “I know what that is! It’s right here in my book!” She pushed forward and tapped the page that had all the scribbles on it and a bunch of x’s, o’s, and arrows. 

“Oh, that’s dumb Force stuff,” interjected Poe. “You should be a real fighter and join us when we shoot people and hit things with sticks! That’s what you’re really good at, Rey.”

“But I think this MacGuffin…”

“Okay fine, as the man in charge, I will let you come look for the MacGuffin but only if you promise to shoot people and hit things a lot.”

“Okay, Poe.”

“Great!”

“We have everything we need,” smiled General Organa beatifically.

Next to Rey, as everyone shuffled away, an old woman in the crowd poked her in the shoulder with a soft, shaking bony hand. “You’re Rey,” she said.

“Yes.”

“What’s your last name, child?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hmm, that won’t do, no. Hmm.”

The woman gave her a long, sage look, considering deepy. The lines on her face traced the thousands of smiles and griefs that had passed over it in her ageless years.

She opened her wizened mouth to speak. 

“I’m gonna call you Zippy.”

“What?” Rey started. “I--no, I’ve still got a working first name, it’s--”

“Cause of the lightsaber. It’s zippy. Zip, zip. You’re zippy now.”

“I--uh. Okay.”

The woman patted Rey maternally and disappeared behind a large walking trunklike creature with fronds spurting from his head.

He turned to Rey and said, “I am Klaud."

“You think so, Klaud?”

“I am Klaud, I am Klaud,” repied Klaud.

“You’re right. Thanks, Klaud.”

“I am Klaud,” smiled Klaud, before waddling off, flouncing his fronds.

\-----

“It’s time to make a great helmet,” Kylo announced to his gathered knights.

“It is time to create something from the heady embers of the past and unite it with the empirical sagacity of the future, that honors the legacy of my grandfather and carries on the noble tradition of helmet-wearing in an agglutinative postanthropomorphic and pulchritudinous but tastefully not omphaloskeptic way.”

One knight coughed.

“Begin,” Kylo commanded.

Together they watched the broken pieces come together, seams red as blood, symbolizing the way they all knew their lives should have been before the Maker saw fit to crush their story but which was now being elegantly sewn back together with rage by a weirdly hairy creature.

One knight, Jungkook Ren, finding himself deepy moved by this experience, began to hum. Eyes closed, heavy with feeling, all gathered listened to the haunting tune echoing around the chamber, illuminated by the sparks of the solder. Jimin Ren and Jin Ren joined in after a few measures, soon followed by the others until by the end all the knights were swaying, singing soulfully, jerking their lapels, and tossing their manes of hair.

Kylo lifted the new helmet in his hands, his eyes wet with glory.


	6. Chapter 6

"How did we get to Pasaana?" questioned Rey, questioningly.

"Do allow me to elucidate for you, mistress Rey," excitedly answered C-3PO, human-cyborg relations, hobbling over to her across a sand dune.

Poe got there first, sliding his arm up one of the ship's support strut, his elbow blocking her line of sight. 

"No, Threepio," he interjected. "Let's don't."

Threepio shot the pilot a nasty look as he halted abruptly in a tuft of what looked like dry grass, shifting his arm awkwardly mid-swing. 

(Upon closer inspection of where he had stopped, C-3PO was reasonably convinced that the grass was some species of dehydrated tube worm, perhaps of the Denethorian variety most commonly found on the drier planets frequented by Jawa vessels but occasionally seeded intentionally as a crop by such agrarian/carnivoran societies as the lower Criforan in the later Fosbalian era but of course his databanks were critically lacking in many of the pertinent files that would really settle this question in a--Wait, what was this about again? He paused 0.3 milliseconds to recover his thoughts. Oh!  _ Yes _ . Rudely interrupted by humans  _ again _ , as always.)

"I--I say, Master Dameron," he managed in his most affronted tone.

"Nevermind him, Rey," purred the pilot, pouring on the sort of smoothness only twirly-mustachioed men and Poes can produce. Turning to the droid he added, "She needs to have an answer today, Threepio, not for the whole next week. Tsk. Droids are so  _ slow. _ " 

BB8, quiet by his feet up until this point, chimed in with a concise series of chirps. Poe cut a glance at the droid with a frown.

"The General," he resumed doggedly, eyes still on Beebee as if daring him to challenge, "said she knew someone down here who would help us, somewhere on this planet, and so that's why we're here at a festival with plans to eat food and throw colored dust at people," said Poe, attempting to shoulder in front of the droid half his height who was now rolling around his feet and tripping him.

"Somewhere!"

"I wonder where on the planet they could be?" wondered Rey, wonderingly.

"It's totally a mystery!" exclaimed Threepio, who was waving both his arms from the worm tuft.

"Did she say anything about what this person would look like? How to contact them?"

"No! Not a thing!"

"Their manner of dress, their species, some sort of pass phrase, a red plom bloom…?"

"Nope. It's in the rules of the MacGuffin!"

"Oh! Well that's that, then. Exciting."

"We'll use the Force!" grinned Finn.

Rey could see the smiling winky emoji in his words.

"That's not how the F--"

"Shut up, Poe!" said Rey, beaming at Finn and shoving Poe into a pile of crates.

\-------

"Who are they?" chirped the one in the hood that had the tattered side and the string hanging off it. 

"They  _ look _ harmless, I think. Look--that one just pushed the other over," answered the one in the robe with the extra baggy sleeves that were always getting tangled in liberation activities. 

"Hehe, hehe," chattered the three others that had come along for the fun. "He looks annoyed he got pushed. Hehe."

"Ooooh, that's a quadcoupler motivator on that."

A chorus of ooooohs.

"Wait, wait, is that a wookiee?"

"Shit."

"Let's lure them into the sinking sand pits and then we can take their things."

"Good idea, good idea."

Five sets of hooded figures winked back into the dunes unseen.

\--------

"I'm looking for a  _ girl,"  _ said Kylo Ren, Evil Supreme Leader, to his boardroom of Respectably Uniformed Sycophants. 

"What kind of girl?" asked General Hux, trying extremely hard not to make eye contact with Ren's new helmet but failing to find a place for his gaze to land and accidentally landing on Ren's right breast. 

"A sexy one," replied Ren, his helmet tilting in a dreamy, distracted way.

"I talk to her. In my mind," he added, tapping the helmet. 

"Ah. Yes. The Resistance girl. The Jedi?"

The Supreme Leader's voice came out as a barely audible breath: "...Yeah…"

The board members glanced at one another but said nothing.

After several minutes passed, Kylo appeared to realize no one had spoken further, slammed his fist upon the conference table, and bellowed, "We must find her! And end the Resistance!"

"Yes, of course, Supreme Leader," answered his officers and general dutifully. 

"That will be all."

A general shuffling toward the door deposited one less shuffle near the Supreme Leader.

"Sir?" 

"What?"

The officer, thus singled out, cleared his throat with some degree of discomfort. Then, realizing too late he was alone, and with panic creeping over his face when no one else looked to be joining him in this venture, he stepped backward shaking his head and hands in the most nevermind-everything way he could.

Kylo leaned toward him, peering through his mask.

"It's… about my helmet, isn't it. Is my helmet bothering you?"

"Your--your helmet, Supreme Leader?"

"Yeah, my helmet. I see your mind. My mask rules. Doesn't it."

"Yes sir."

"You  _ love _ my new look."

"Excellent style, sir. The best."

"You think it's better than the old one."

"Absolutely."

"You wish you had a helmet like mine."

"Desperately."

Kylo waited.

"It--it looks like a volcano about to--to erupt, sir."

"Yeah it does. A dangerous, powerful volcano. Full of magma and stuff. My helmet rules, and you don't. So there." Kylo let his finger relax from its menacing wiggling. 

"Yes, sir. "

Kylo flounced from the boardroom, thinking lava thoughts. 

The officer sagged. From out in the hall, the Respectably Uniformed Sycophants grinned at him, sticking out their tongues and General Hux made a finger "L" on his forehead.

\-----

"Any sign of the mystery person, Poe?" called Rey through the crowds as a puff of yellow powder coated her from head to foot.

Nearby, a petite woman in a frilly maid outfit served colored milk to various customers. 

Poe finished paying four hits drink, muttered, "Thanks, Rose," and sauntered back over. "No. I've got nothing, unfortunately. But this food's great! Watch this!" He gulped the frothy milk and it left a great blue mustache above his lips.

"Wow, great trick," said Rey, smiling in what she believed would appear a sincere way. 

"I'm starting to think," mused Poe, "maybe we've got a good thing here, you know… We could wait out this whole revolution thing, just stick around this place and, like, eat, until the First Order gets defeated. As an idea." He waved his spoon by his mouth pensively. 

Rey observed him, evaluating. 

"I see your point. It  _ is _ tempting. By the way, was that Rose? Is she here undercover?"

"Huh? No. Yeah. Yeah, she's here but she is just very good at serving food."

"Oh, I see."

"Its really important. Food," he elaborated.

Rey glanced down at the adorable pig-elephant children milling about her feet and within a short time her thoughts turned to Ben, who had probably also been an adorable child. Melancholy broke into her mind all of a sudden. She rubbed the back of her neck and squinted against the sun and dust. One brave youngling approached her, breaking her depressing reverie. 

"Hello, " Rey greeted her. 

It elicited a shy, sweet smile from the youngling, who looped a bead necklace around Rey's neck.

"Why thank you, small person," she smiled. 

"Oink wharooooo," replied the child, before exploding in a cloud of powdered color.

"Reeeeeeeyyyy!" shouted Finn, running into the crowd. He approached at full steam, sweating and wild eyed.

"Rey," he said again, reaching her. He dropped his hands onto his knees, panting heavily. "How is the food? Is it good? I heard they had Jogan candy. Had to come running. You got some credits I can borrow?"

"Yeah. Sure, Finn. Candy stall's over there."

"Great. Great, Rey, you're the best. A real pal. I really need that candy. "

"Yeah, Finn. Thanks. All right. No, the other way."

Finn skidded to a halt.  "Right."

"Yeah." She gave him a little wave. 

"Pssst."

Rey whirled around.

An old woman nudged Rey's arm and nodded toward her. "What have we here? What's your name, girl?"

"Hi, I'm called Rey."

"No, I meant your real name."

"What?"

"Well, I'm Rustybowlo'crickets. I wasn't born Rustybowlo'crickets. I  _ became _ Rustybowlo'crickets. Rustybowl for short, mind."

"Oh. Um. Hello, Rustybowl, good to meet you."

The woman squinted up at her, jaw set determinedly, looking more and more irritated by the secomd. 

"So. Your name. What is it, girl? I haven't got all day."

"Well, people call me 'girl' a lot."

"Yeah I bet."

"I suppose you can call me Girl."

"Good enough for me."

Just then! Kylo Ren appeared mid-flounce. He stopped in his tracks and stood facing her with an utterly aghast expression on his mask.

"H-hi… Hi, Rey," he stuttered through the vocoder.

"Ben…"

"You. You uh." He cleared his throat. Kriff everything, he was messing everything all up. "C-come to the dark side, Rey,"  _ That _ was the speech he practiced. "I'm uh. I'm over here too and... it's totally great. It's sunny out." He cringed, glancing at the artificial blue light from the fluorescent fixture above him in the hall. "In the dark. I mean. Um--"

"Murderous snake!"

"Wait--wait. What? Rey… we already went over that line--"

"I know everything I need to know about--"

"Now hold up, okay! We're past that part!"

Rey paused, checking her notes. 

"No, Ben, it says right here, I'm back to yelling at you angrily. You say 'Come to the dark side' and I say 'I'm better than you, loser, I am a powerful warrior maiden with no need for a man' and you say--"

" _ My _ notes say we kiss and I take off your clothes!"

"You  _ what!? _ "

"You heard me."

"I would never."

"Don't try to deny you want to see what's under my helmet."

"I  _ like _ your helmet, actually. It looks like lava."

"Yes! Exactly!" Kylo trailed off mid-gesticulation, brieflly losing his train of thought. 

"Very aesthetic. Like blood, and veiny things. Come to think, it matches your saber--" 

" _ I--Thank _ you! I knew you'd understand! Okay. Good. Now I'm going to take off your clothes."

"Back off, darksider! I am a powerful warrior maiden who--"

"Hyeurrarghh!" Kylo lunged and grabbed her necklace. "I have it now! Hahahaha," he cackled, acting like a supervillain. 

"Why, you--!" Rey moved to whack him with something but he disappeared. 

Back on his ship, he flung the necklace at the nearest peon and said "Track this to its origin."

"Yes sir! Right away!"

\------

Ben sat down to practice his Villain Cackle because the last one was downright embarrassing. 

"Hahahahahaha! Heh heh heh ehe. Come to the dark side! Ha HAAA."

He buried his face in his hands. This was going to be difficult. He wished he could run his hand through his hair but the helmet was in the way.


	7. Chapter 7

"Nakadia, sir. We have tracked the beads to a plastic factory in Quarrow on Nakadia."

"Set a course!"

Kylo turned back toward the hall that led to the command deck, striding with a purpose, a grim smile etched upon his face. 

\------

"There goes another one!"

"They're everywhere, honestly. Take any sand planet and you've got them."

"Well, _ I've _ never been able to abide them. Disgusting creatures."

"Jawas? I think they're adorable."

"They're creepy!" Finn edged closer to Poe, shuddering. "Do you know, back in Stormtrooper boot camp, they used to tell us stories--they said Jawas were the reincarnated souls of dishonorably killed troopers. They told us they hid under our beds and in the air vents and hunted the weak among us, watching us. With their scary, glowing eyes."

Poe turned slowly toward Finn with a horrified look. Finn replied wordlessly, raising his brows and shrugging. Poe turned his head back, shaking it sharply.

"Sukaaaaaa!" A chittery voice rose above the murmur of the crowd. It was one of the nearer Jawas, animatedly tugging a forked metal appliance, to a frowning and whining shopkeeper with flippers. "Utinni!" The vendor shook his tentacled head. The exchange continued with increasing vigor until three additional short robed figures waddled up and aimed pulse rifles at the vendor. At this point, the shopkeep slumped his shoulders, drew a breath, and waved the Jawas off. "Sukaa!" they cheered, triumphantly dragging away the appliance.

_ "I've _got no problem with them," commented Rey, apparently oblivious to the recent proceedings. "They're just trying to make a life under hard circumstances. Back on Jakku everyone had to fight to live. They're just scavengers too." She bent down to rub at a spot on her boot that was chafing her ankle and then straightened, adjusting her shoulder pack. Finn and Threepio gave one another a Look that spoke volumes, several treatises, in fact. 

At last, as she tossed her pack comfortably and peeked over her shoulder, Rey noticed the four Jawas approaching with their new acquisition. She smiled, walking over to one of them and ruffling their hood affectionately. "Tooska chai mani, tonta tonka!" she said.

Startled into by her friendliness into highly uncharacteristic nonaggression, the four exchanged uncertain glances and then chorused back at her. "Utinni. Baa jar bopom kova. Suka, suka, suka."

Belatedly, one of them regained his composure and shoved a pulse rifle in her face, but it was upside down and when the Jawa realized it he hastily fumbled to right it, tangling it in his sleeves until his companion punched him in the shoulder, nearly toppling him and setting off the rifle. This launched all four into arguing and shoving each other. Rey, delighted, hooked her arm in Chewie's and strolled past, wrinkling her nose with a grin. "See? Adorable."

"Hwgwrrr," grunted the Wookiee noncomittally.

Finn, holding Poe's arm in like fashion, scuttled past the knot of Jawas, murmuring rapidfire protective incantations under his breath and clutching the front of his shirt. Poe took this stoically but his lips were a faint, flat line across his face and his eyes were slits.

\-----

"What do you mean she's not on Nakadia?" bellowed the supreme leader.

"We've searched everywhere and there is no one matching her description."

"On the whole planet?"

"No, Supreme Leader."

"Kriff it all." He kicked a trash bin. "We'll have to find her another way.

"Could you try tracing something else on her person? A hat, maybe. Or a… a scarf. Or perhaps an item of food…" General Hux trailed off. He was trying very hard.

\-----

"Ohhh, what is this now?" Rey peered into a bubbling spherical orange milk vat.

"You'll want to stay away from that one, if you want my advice," replied Rose. "Its from some kind of quilifalope and they're pretty… uh. Ripe."

"Oh? Really? Hmmm. What about the lavender one there?"

"Oooh, quite spicy. A bit salty. Puts some hair on your arms."

Rey examined her arms, deciding if extra hair was needed for the climate and the current expected survival conditions.

Chewie, deciding lavender was _ absolutely _his type, ordered one straightaway and eagerly drew the glass into his giant fist.

At Rey's incredulous look, he grumped "Rwahgh?" and downed the entire glass in a gulp. 

"Er. How about green, Rose? What's the verdict on that one?" Rey watched the Wookiee wander off and be assaulted with an explosive puff of yellow.

"That one's okay. It comes from--"

"Wait. Wait," said Rey, turning back. "I recognize that milk, that's the kind Master Skywalker--ugh. No. No thank you."

Rose gave her a knowing look, understanding. "Try this one. It's very quenching."

Rey thought about the tall, dark, cloaked figure who haunted her thoughts. Quenching sounded good.

"White? That's an unusual color for milk."

"I know, right! So bizarre. But the Outer Rim traders swear by it. Paige and I used to drink a fizzy pink kind like it, back before I became an engineer and she became a fighter pilot and then she died and I took up waiting tables, as was my dream."

Rose's dimples lit up her face as she smiled.

"You sure do seem to have a fulfilling career. Nice, uh, apron there by the way. I meant to mention," Rey commented. "So lacy. Well. I'll take the white milk, I suppose, please."

"Oh, do you like the apron? Poe thought it set off my hair nicely. He wanted me to try a Twi'lek accent too but I wasn't very good at that. But, better than mechanical engineering clothes, am I right? And I'm so happy to have found a use for all my skills and training!" She turned to another customer. "I'll be with you in just a moment, sir." Finishing the transaction with Rey, "I almost forgot, would you like fries? It'll put hair on your chest."

"Oh! I--no! Thank you. Thank you, this will do!" Rey stood up quickly, nearly tipping over a stool.

"Okay! Nice talking with you. Have fun fighting the good fight! Resisting, etc.!" Rose waved in farewell.

Rey turned to catch up with Chewie and the others as they scoured the noisy, powdery, dancing crowds for The Contact.

Then, suddenly, without warning, Kylo Ren appeared, mid-aggressive-stride! He nearly collided with her as the sound sucked out of the village.

Rey stumbled, nearly tipping her glass of milk. 

"You!" he cried.

"You!" she retorted.

Kylo hesitated. "No, you!"

"No, _ you!" _she shot back.

_ "No, you!" _

_ "No! You!" _

He wrinkled his considerable lips, gnawing his cheek in thought. An impasse. Then his doelike eyes fell to what she held. _ Milk, _ he thought. _ I bet I could trace that milk. _

"Give that to me," he commanded. 

"What?"

"Your milk. It's… "

She looked down at her glass protectively. "It's what?"

"Uh. It's poisoned." 

Her eyes grew big. "P-poisoned?"

"Yes--yes, poisoned. I would never lie to you."

"But--"

"I get hiccups if I lie. Weird problem. So I'm definitely not lying to you. Tell you about it later. Now quick, hand it over!"

Flustered, confused, and a little bit touched that he cared so much, trembling, she held it out. As he extended his hand to her the faintest feather touch of his finger brushed her hand and they both gasped. Then, as suddenly as he arrived, he disappeared and the sounds of the festival flooded back into her ears. 

She put the hand to her cheek and stared blankly. The breeze ruffled her hair wispies romantically. 

\-----

"Analyze this milk!" whirled Kylo to the lieutenant closest at hand. "Give me its exact planet of provenance!"

"Immediately, Supreme Leader!" saluted the officer before handing the glass to a subordinate and repeating the orders verbatim. The subordinate then handed it to another underling who did the same.

Kylo flew into the nearest conference room and proceeded to have a massive hicupping fit as soon as the doors slid shut. 

Five minutes later--five long, frustrating, pacing, agonizing minutes-- the answer was thrust into his hand on a datapad. 

"Ithor, sir. In the Ottega system."

"Search it! Scour the jungle! She will not escape us now!"

"Yes sir!"

\-----

Eight Jawas camped around a junk heap in the dunes about a click outside of town, cleaning and rubbing down their weapons. 

A group of four, dragging a forked metal implement behind them on a makeshift sled, approached and called out a chittering greeting. One slapped the side of Ole Ochi's and slid down its rusting hull to appraise the new acquisition. 

One staggered to heave its heavy bulk upright and show it off. It was shiny.

Evidently pleased, the elders gathered round and soon all chattered approvingly of the equipment. They patted it and patted the successful acquisitions team and settled, after some time, into merrily recounting all the ventures that took place that day. 

The topic slipped, inevitably, toward the odd Trio-plus-droids-plus-Wookiee that had been sighted arriving and talking against the First Order just as festivities erupted (literally) in town. The youngest of the group, the one Rey had spoken to, felt that these were ripe pickings, also Very Nice People who should be treated kindly as they were robbed. The elders felt that their kindness status was irrelevant, unlike their Wookiee and blaster and lightsaber status, though they patted the youngest's head with fond condescension. 

It was eventually resolved that someone would inform the First Order of the Trio-plus-others' presence and entice them to chase them out to the Dunes where they could trap them and then they could take their things like civilized people.

The youngest, accepting his elders' wisdom, hopped off of Ole Ochi's and wandered to his favorite sitting spot to eat his egg salad lunch and wait for the signal.

\----

"What do you _ mean _ she's not on Ithor? Did you double check?" A pause. "You did?" More silence. _ "The whole jungle and everything?" _

Hux glanced at Pryde who, like him, was listening to this exchange through the conference room door.

"And nothing? No--yes, yes I understand you found more milk and I-_ no--No I don't need a herd of ithorinerfs, why would you even suggest that? _ Just--No! Ugh, just tell them to hose off and report back to your ship! _ " _A clatter of something being placed violently on a table. Perhaps a commlink. 

Hux's lips turned down with stark amusement. He refused to meet the other general's eye, but he guessed that his own delight was not mirrored in the dour man's gaze. Sad. This was one of the more delicious moments. 

A thud sounded from the other side. Then a crash. "Aaarrgh!" wailed the occupant of the room. 

\------

"Hello there, Resistance members!" shouted a tall masked man with all the pomp and suavity of a dozen Poes at high beam. _ Whoa, _mouthed Poe inaudibly. 

"Behold, I am… Lando!"

Rey blinked. Finn scratched his armpit. Chewie grunted something and Poe looked from Chewie to Lando, back to Chewie, expecting something but not sure what.

"Well?" said Lando. "Oh! Right! The mask," he muttered, and yanked it off theatrically. _ "Landooo!" _

"Is this supposed to mean something?" whispered Finn in Poe's ear. Poe, beaming through his gritted teeth, shrugged infinitesimally. 

"Well, you kids may not know me yet, but you will. I'm a big deal in the Resistance!" the man announced gaily, and sauntered into a tent.

Finn, bristling at that, glared at his back and followed.

\-----

"Rey."

"You again!"

"Me. I--"

"Give me back my beads, Ben."

"What?"

"My beads. You sort of stole them rudely, you know?"

"Ru--I mean, I guess, yes, I did… um. Sorry."

"Well?"

"Well what?'

"Well, give them back, Ben!"

"I can't!"

"Why not?"

"I don't have them." 

"Why you kriffing cheeskar nok."

"E chu ta, sweetheart."

"Aaah!" she shrieked, and shoved him.

"Hey, watch it!"

"Why, afraid I'll break you?"

"Maybe my helmet."

"I'll break your whole head!" she growled furiously, and launched herself at him.

Several minutes later, Lando ambled leisurely out into the dusty alley to see Rey kneeling, legs spread over empty air, her face low to the ground and one fist held upraised and shaking with effort, as if restrained by an invisible force. She wrestled, it seemed, with her positioning. Lando watched for a moment, then when he heard her grunt and start threatening the ground he ventured: "Rey?" 

Her head shot up. 

"Are you okay, Rey darlin'?"

"Fine! Thanks! I'm great. Never--unnggghhh--better!" She twisted her elbow with effort and slammed her clasped hand against the ground. She stared at the empty space under her like it had murdered someone. 

"Oh-kay. Well, I'll just be in here if you change your mind and need me." Lando backed into the tent hesitantly and swept the curtain closed with an ingrained ease born of many years of practice.

"I'm going to kill you," gritted Rey, staring down at Ben. He stared back at her, a little starry eyed. 

"Okay," he said.

"Your helmet was dumb. I lied," said Rey.

He turned his head to look over at it, broken at the foot of a wall where she had thrown it. "Okay," he repeated. 

"I'm totally going to… to… beat you up," she continued, unmoving against his now unresisting body.

"Yeah…" he sighed breathily.

Rey leaned closer in spite of her conscious mind, her face slipping downward till it was only inches from his. Her hair fell onto his, the mess and sweat of their struggle mingling with the puffs of their heaving breath. 

"Ben..."

Ben's eyes grew wide. Her _ breath. _He knew that smell. That was the galaxy-famous Bonto Brap sandwich, the one and only, one of the heights of culinary renown, only served on Pasaana. 

She was on Pasaana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always with this fic, this chapter is unbeta'd, uncurated, unrefined, unapologetically self indulgent, and childishly stream of conscious and, as such, I present it to you when I should have gone to bed three hours ago but I didn't. And so we are faced with this.
> 
> Huttese/Jawaese translations:
> 
> Utinni: Hey! Wow! Or Get over here and help me!
> 
> Tooska chai mani, tonta tonka: Your mom did it with a Tuskan. Tentacles up, hey!
> 
> Baa jar bopom kova: You're a tall lady (lit: you're a mountain)
> 
> Cheeskar nok: betrayer scum
> 
> E chu ta: all purpose insult


End file.
